I want to be a sports star.
Or, at least, to look like one. Failing that, can I at least feel like one?
In order to guilt you into buying some Beats headphones this Christmas, the Apple-owned concern has persuaded seemingly every sports star alive to wear them, showing these are the stars' earpieces.
Its new ad, taglined "Be Heard," features LeBron James, of course. But then there's Conor McGregor, Tom Brady and many others who can flatten a ball with just one look.
I see tennis player Serena Williams, I see the Golden State Warriors' Kevin Durant, I see NFL star Cam Newton, swimmer Michael Phelps, gymnast Simone Biles and some dull old hockey player. I also see Kevin De Bruyne. If you don't know who De Bruyne is, you can't possible be worthy of Beats. (Clue: He plays for Manchester City.)
I do worry about this ad, though. There's an awful lot of chest thumping. Or, to be precise, heart-thumping.
Why do sports stars do this? Do they really think that fans believe their hearts beat for (insert city X)? Do they really think fans don't know that, when an offer with a better monetary rhythm comes along, they'll skedaddle out of town, only to return out of, oh, a deep-seated, heart-thumping loyalty? (How the devil are you, LeBron?)
You'd think these people would do anything for money, wouldn't you? Well, they just want to be heard, don't they?